The Sandbag Theory of Energy

We all know that fatigue is one of (if not the) most prominent symptom of MPNs. I have struggled for a while to come up with a way of explaining it, that feels relevant to me. Now don’t get me wrong, I still adore the Spoon Theory, but I have another view to add as well now. 🙂

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We all possess an invisible bag that we carry around every day. As we exert energy, sand is added to the bag, making it heavier, and heavier as the day goes on. The more strenuous the activity, the more sand is added. As the bags get heavier, we move more slowly. It makes each action we have to perform that much more difficult. On a good day the bags are only partly full by the end of the day. However, that also means that we didn’t get to accomplish much that day.

On the days that I am more active, I feel my imaginary sandbag getting heavier, and have difficulty moving as quickly as I’d like. These sandbags don’t just slow down physical activity. They can also bog down our minds. I often feel as though my IQ has dipped several points throughout the day . No matter what I do, I can’t shake the feeling of being weighed down, mentally and physically. The heavier it feels, the more exhausted I feel. Some days just getting showered, dressed, and driving to work can begin to fill the sandbag. By the end of the day it can be nearly impossible to muster the energy just to cook, and eat dinner. Some days the only thing I have the energy left for is to change clothes, and crash on the couch.

We all have good days, and bad days. It’s very easy to get frustrated when we can’t get as much done as we feel we should, but we need to accept that some days we will not be as strong, or as quick, or as sharp as we’d like to be. On these days we must cuddle up on the couch with a nice warm blanket, a cup of tea (or something stronger, if we’re so inclined) and relax. That sandbag is heavy, we’ve earned the downtime!

As always, you are your own best advocate. If you do not stand up for yourself, who will?

Until next time,

Lina

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Living Well with MPNs Review/Recap plus a personal revelation

Hello there, dear readers. I hope you are all having a wonderful week 🙂 The weather here is unseasonably cool, so I’m taking full advantage of it, and writing outside with my wonderful writing buddy, Tesla! (This note is from when I started this blog last weekend lol)

I’d like to start this entry by talking about last weekend. M and I had a fantastic time in Chicago. I was so thrilled that he was able to come with me to the Living well with MPNs meeting!! Firstly I’d like to thank the MPN Research Foundation, and Patient Power for putting on this wonderful event! I was so very grateful to be able to join everyone there. One thing I was surprised by was that it was completely free! The day started at 9:45, they offered breakfast, there were several groups set up with tables, and information. I am going to say right now, that unfortunately my day began with a pretty terrible migraine. My husband and I walked from our hotel to Northwestern’s campus, and just as we arrived in the lobby and got situated, it began. The aura and the pain were terrible for about the first 2 hours of the day, so I was unable to interact with the groups out in the lobby 😦 Hopefully someone who may have been there will have gotten information from the groups that they would be willing to share with me!

As we were called in to the auditorium, everyone seemed a little bit nervous. Kind of like walking into a lecture hall for the first time in college…people mostly kept to themselves at first, and weren’t really interacting just yet. But then as the speaker, Jeff Folloder began to ask questions, and we all started to notice one another nodding along with the responses, and we (at least I) realized that these people were all just like me…we (I) began to warm up a bit 🙂 (I’m referring back to my notes just now, but I’m sure I’m going to miss a few things…I’ll link to the videos on Patient Power’s website as soon as they are posted though 🙂 )

One of the questions that seemed to be a hotly contested issue was the question of age as it relates to the treatment of patients. It would seem that the general consensus USED to be that, for some reason as soon as a patient turned 60, they became significantly higher risk. The implication from the experts (Dr. Brady Stein, and Dr. Alison Moliterno) is that age does not really correlate with ones risk as strongly as the medical community used to think. It is more an issue of whether you have a history of thrombotic events, or heart disease, or other issues that may not mix terribly well with an increased risk of clotting. You could be 79 and have the blood vessels of a teenager, or be in your 30s with the circulatory system of a 90 year old. It really varies by patient.

What made me happiest was how many times I heard the doctors talk about advocating for yourself, and being assertive. I was so, so happy to hear it. It is so very true, and I feel so strongly about it.

The Patient Power event was extremely educational, and I am so thankful that I was able to go.

Personal Revelation:

One of the things that was spoken about a lot was the “itching” and “burning” symptoms in PV/ET patients. I’ve never really thought about it before…but apparently not everyone actually experiencing burning/tingling/itching in their extremities when they take a hot bath/shower. I never really considered it a symptom. For 9 years I completely ignored one of the most complained about symptoms in the MPN world (other than fatigue, that is…). I cannot begin to tell you how dumb I felt when I realized that. lol. It just never occurred to me that it was a symptom of my disease.


 

I’ve got a lot more to say on the subject, but I’m going to head off to continue to prepare for this Saturday in San Antonio! Are any of you going? Do you know anyone that’s going? Please share this with anyone you think might be going! I hope to see you all there! Wish me luck, please 🙂

As always, you are your own best advocate. if you do not take care of yourself, who will?

Thank you!

Until next time,

Lina

Blood Cancer Awareness Post 24: “But you don’t LOOK sick…”

This is a re-post, but it is very important to me. This is an issue people with chronic illnesses run into fairly frequently. 

MPNs are “Invisible Illnesses”. There really are not many outward signs that show we’re sick, but boy do we feel it. I don’t know about the rest of you, but , no matter how I look, sometimes I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck. 

However well-intended the phrase may be, saying “but you don’t LOOK sick…” to a sick person is pretty insulting. The implication being that we are faking it or that it’s not real. We don’t look sick? Well…what does sick look like, pray tell? Should we all be emaciated, bruised, or limping? What does it take to be acceptably sick? This may surprise some…but not all sick people look alike. Shocking, I’m sure. (insert snarky eye roll here).

We all have good days and bad, but for the Invisibly Ill, the bad days often outnumber the good. Most of us, though are obliged to put on the happy face and get on with things. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t be able get much done. I often feel like I am two completely different people; the one on the outside, who looks just fine, and deceives everyone around her; and the one on the inside who is exhausted, and battered and miserable. 

I learned to put on the happy face real quick when I got my first “Grown-Up Job”. I started at my office as the receptionist, so putting on the perky, bubbly personality, however fake it may have been, became a part of my daily life. Fatigued, sick, headache? Didn’t matter. That smile was plastered on. Inside I might have been cursing the phone for ringing, but I’d still thank you for calling and inquire how I could help. If you didn’t know I was sick…you would not know. There are days though when I just can’t fake it anymore, my fatigue catches up with me and knocks me out. On those days, I tend to hear that dreaded “but you don’t LOOK sick…”. Also on those days my sarcastic side will often think(or sometimes say, depending on the audience) “And you don’t LOOK like a jerk..but I guess appearances can be deceiving, can’t they?”

Believe me, I am neither wanting nor expecting sympathy.  Understanding would be wonderful though. Yes, it’s true that we don’t fit the picture in most people’s heads of what sick should look like, but trust me while these illnesses may be invisible, we and our pain certainly are not. 

Please, think twice before telling us we don’t fit your image.

Until tomorrow, 

Lina